What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
