What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
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Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”