What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.