What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
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Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
bias laundering edition
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.