Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.