What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
You Might Also Like
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday