Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”