What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE