What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
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when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
seriously you guys
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.