Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

eggs benadryl

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

saw this in a dream

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane