Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

can’t bark with your mouth full

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?