What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
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Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Modded the new Gran Turismo
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
💀💀💀💀
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025