Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.