Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads