what idiot called it arrogant homeowners struggling to complete an air sealing project after watching YouTube videos and not caulk suckers
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I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
this is the best interaction on twitter
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
…..pretty much.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
2022 be like
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.