What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
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Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
.. do you even science?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do