What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
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I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”