Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

Can. I. Help. You.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast