What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
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Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Another interesting #factupdates post!
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
adam and eve had first world problems
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
