What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
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Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
buys donuts instead
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”