What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
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It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*