What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
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“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
#oldknees
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
#inspiration #foodforthought
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.