What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
You Might Also Like
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
seems like a niche market
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
The Friday File.
