What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
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I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Why I divorced her.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
one week till the election
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.