What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
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My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*