What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
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*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans