What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”