What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
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This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”
So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”
Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?
3 yo: No, thanks.
🤦🏻♀️
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.