What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
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independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..