What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
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I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.