*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.