@chimneyspotter

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

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@CantWaitToNap

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

@prettysadmostly

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

@caithuls

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@CountMackula

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

@TheGoodGodAbove

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

@SoVeryBritish

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

@BringDaNoyz

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

@fro_vo

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

@david8hughes

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.