What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
You Might Also Like
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*