What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
You Might Also Like
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
