What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
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Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
inside you are two wolves
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*