What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
You Might Also Like
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”