What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
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“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date