What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
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Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
This is the one
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I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
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In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.