Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

Better luck next time champ

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

PLEASE READ

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day