What idiot called it âectoplasmâ and not đ”JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
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Itâs fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when youâre sleeping & know when youâre awake itâs âcreepyâ and âsir, youâre under arrestâ
Thinking outside the box.. đ
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dogâs crate and now I donât know who to punish.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpaâs goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry⊠but daylight savings ruins everything
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says âYOU MAN THE GUNS, IâLL DRIVE!â
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Iâm not deleting this)
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, Iâm in big trouble.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Youâre born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyalâŠ
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do youâŠuh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have anyâŠuh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
âSheâs more afraid of you than you are of her,â the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but Iâm blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Whoâs nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Whoever said diamonds are a girlâs best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess youâll be looking for a new owner for his pokĂ©mon collection?
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I canât control it
HER: have you ever painted before
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Texting random numbers âItâs done.â
Put me in your bio so I know itâs real⊠Just kidding, Iâd rather be in your will.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didnât have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Doctor: It doesnât look good
Me: What? You havenât even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit youâve clearly lost your sense of taste
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
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