What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
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Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Good news
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing