Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME