Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.