What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
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Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.