What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
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another case of gang violins
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes