What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
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‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now