What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

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Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.


Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.

Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.

[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.


A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they’re not too happy.


I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.


I have twins because my wife wanted more children than she was willing to have sex with me…


Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.


I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.


Dude, I can’t tweet AND know when the light turns green.
I’m pretty, not magical.


You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.