@plank_sinatra

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

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@KentWGraham

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

@Jen_says_nah

Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.

Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.

[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.

@fuzzlime

A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they’re not too happy.

@BrainFumbles

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

@Getnosexual

I have twins because my wife wanted more children than she was willing to have sex with me…

@Steelers1972

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

@Jenny4ashley

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

@NervousJr

Dude, I can’t tweet AND know when the light turns green.
I’m pretty, not magical.

@AlmightyBored

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.