What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
You Might Also Like
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.