What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
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How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers