What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
you stereotypes are all alike
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.