What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
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I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.