What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
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When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I wish this was real life…
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”