What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
#MeanwhileinCanada
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate