Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”