What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
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her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My neck my back my allergy attack
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?