What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
August 8
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.