What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Most Common Source of Electricity
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*