Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

😭😭😭😭

Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

A male goth is called a broth.

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die