@Playing_Dad Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
@PULPKetchup What idiot called it kitchen worktop manufacture and not counter productive.
What idiot called it kitchen worktop manufacture and not counter productive.
- @PULPKetchup
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@Playing_Dad 
@BrandonVine Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
@OllyiConic doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
@weinerdog4life Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
@hansabumsadaisy #rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
@lovejulieacafe *Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
@HepatitisAtoZ cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
@momthoughts13 So when married people take you on a tour of their house and show you the bedroom and say with a chuckle ‘this is where the magic happens’ they’re not talking about sex they’re talking about sleep
@Abusitron Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]