[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
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Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest