What idiot called it kitchen worktop manufacture and not counter productive.

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I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.


Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.


I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again


I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.

The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.


This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:


ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome


No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.


Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.


I’d respect squirrels more if every time one dashed in front of my car, there were five squirrels on the other side of the road holding up signs scoring the difficulty level.


People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”