What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
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Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
6: are snakes just neck?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.