What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
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I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again