What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

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Me: ” *types in password*, Password Doesn’t Work” ** OMG I’M HACKED**…. *oh wait… never mind, CAPS LOCK WAS ON..*


My husband said I was passive aggressive so I punched him in the face and said well, you’re half right.


Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks


me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi


[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps


This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”


My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.


Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary


It’s all fun and games until you’re sitting in the Planned Parenthood waiting room doing your Algebra homework