@jimmytorosian

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

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@JoanBaileyy

Me: ” *types in password*, Password Doesn’t Work” ** OMG I’M HACKED**…. *oh wait… never mind, CAPS LOCK WAS ON..*

@caribdonna

My husband said I was passive aggressive so I punched him in the face and said well, you’re half right.

@DeadLioness

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

@MavenofHonor

[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps

@retardedwriter

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

@myonlymizztake

My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.

@HaramiParindey

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

@SaraThomas84

It’s all fun and games until you’re sitting in the Planned Parenthood waiting room doing your Algebra homework