What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
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The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.