Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.