What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
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Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever