Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient