What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
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[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.