What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
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Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
🤣🤣
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos