I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
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Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want
(Flintstones theme song)
they’re a teenage mutant family
they’re about to save new york city
*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it’s head is flat?
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”