What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
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Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store