@JasonLastname

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

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@hazelmotes1

I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.

@SatansTongue

Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want

@CornOnTheGoblin

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

@Stellacopter

*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first

@behindyourback

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

@Lisabug74

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

@NewDadNotes

Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it’s head is flat?
God: yep
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
God: Phil

@VeganZebra

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

@robdelaney

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”