@JasonLastname

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

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@thatUPSdude

When I said I was going to start eating better after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.

@TheFearBoners

Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?

@senorwinces

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

@curlymalloy

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

@ThugRaccoons

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

@2tickytacky

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

@buhsbaby_baby

Can I get pregnant from looking at a man in another car, at a red light but then quickly looking away when he looks over?

@abbycohenwl

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

@fro_vo

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so