What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
You Might Also Like
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe