What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
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My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.