What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Meat Cute
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.