What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I feel it
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
the three branches of government
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
new record!
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
