What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry