What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler