What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
🤣🤣
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos