Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

A family that plays together cheats.

*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

My 7yo: What’s this song called?

😭😭

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!