What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
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Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
✌🏽
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Happy Febuary everyone!
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
They grow up so quick
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.