What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
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Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”